I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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