Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
