You're my little dorito
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
