he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
