Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
