At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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