if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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