i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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