You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
