If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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