i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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