my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
