i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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