You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
