I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Houston, we have a blender
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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