Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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