Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
