I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
