His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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