Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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