And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
