Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
