Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
