My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
