Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
