So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
