Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
