I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
