It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I checked into jail on foursquare
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
