so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
