Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
