it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
