Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
whose parrot is this?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
