He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
