thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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