maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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