you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
