Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
