Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
