Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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