Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Of course I have a pirate flag
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
