My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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