I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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