It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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