So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
