seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
