you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
