I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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