I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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