the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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